it's a amazing how a few simple ingredients can be mashed together to form something delicious and comforting. i can close my eyes and see my grandmother pounding bread dough on her wooden table. how many times did i pinch a piece of dough when i thought she wasn't looking. and i can still smell the fresh out of the oven buttery loaves laying under a fresh tea towel on her counter.  if only life were really that simple again.  i know now that life wasn't that simple. it seemed simple because my needs, goals, tasks were more focused. i envy people who seem easy-going and wonder what they are really thinking under that "nothing bothers me" veneer. one of my fav authors is Walter Wangerin. my copy of  "Little Lamb Who Made Thee?" has been read and re-read many times. every time i read it, i am left with knew understanding. He has a wisdom and insight into human nature that resounds within my heart.  he delves into his own childhood and parenthood then offers explainations about life issues affecting children, parents, and adults caring for aging/sick loved ones. why should we understand childhood? God has declared that unless we approach him as a child, we will not enter the kingdom. Wangerin's writings have helped me reconcile the many short-comings i feel when i look at my relationship with God. i see who i want to be, and have even had small glimpses of who i could be. but am so far away from that woman in the vision. i don't even know where to meet her in the middle. Mr. Wangerin you almost convince me that i can be that meek child that approaches the throne to receive her new glorified being.
 
liar 02/14/2011
 
a blazing "L" needs to be branded to my face some days. there are no such things as white lies. that statement is just as bad as ugly truth. where did we get the right to convince ourselves and others that some lies could be painted with a different colour and therefore become safe. do they give less injury if they are white? if they don't injure the listener they will injure the teller.  a teen asked me for a dollar the other day. i was minding my own business waiting for my laundry to finish tumbling in the dryer. i lied and said i didn't carry cash. i felt a burning sensation creep deep into my gut, and prayed that it wouldn't creep to my face as the blush so easily does. even when i am innocent my cheeks and neck flash red in a single heartbeat. but now in my guilt i had something to hide that i didn't want betrayed by my blush. i did have a dollar to give. but my truth was covered in a lie. my truth is so much harder to form out loud. my truth can sting like a slap to the face. but my guilt can lay in the pit of my gut like a fiery little creature looking to hibernate. i had a dollar to give, but i decided that i didnt' feel like being generous. again my mind raced with 100 excuses. $$$ is tight...i have to work twice as hard to get half the pay i used to... i was down to my last dollar...i didn't feel like giving my last dollar to someone who is probably lazy and should be out trying to earn their own. even as he asked for the $ i could picture it sitting at the bottom of my purse nestled amongst a handful of pennies and a couple dimes. the asker didn't seem too bothered by my denial of $$. he shrugged and walked out of the room. i have been reminded of it constantly with a feeling worse than indigestion. it bothers me even to this moment, and it's been nearly a week. i still haven't been able to spend that dollar sitting in the bottom of my purse. it may as well be glued to my forehead as a constant reminder. you see, i know the ONE who gave everything so we could have a better life. if Jesus had one $ in his pocket he would have given it away. better to be open than to be revealed (a). the Truth will set you free (b). THE WAY THE TRUTH THE LIFE (c).  HIS TRUTH stings with a gentle whisper... i still lack faith to trust that giving away my last $ will not leave me destitute. faith without evidence is dead (d). there is spiritual life in truth, therefore the consequence of lies/sin is death (e). death must be the creature that sits in my gut right now.

Luke 12:2 (a), John 8: 32 (b), John 14:6 (c), James 2:17,20,26 (d), Proverbs 10:16 (e), Romans 6:23 (e)
 
100 pieces of me 02/08/2011
 
 a perfect square. 10x10=100. 100 dollars for a new jogging stroller. 100 sins. 100 loads of laundry. 100 hugs. 100 kisses. 100 x 20 years since Jesus walked the earth. 100 days to break a bad habit. or in my case 100 m&m's and 100 doritos since i resolved to try and lose 100 pounds in 2011. 100 times falling off the diet wagon. 100 times getting back up to try again. simple math. eat less move more.  logically if i eat 100 less calories a day and burn 100 more calories in exercise i should shrink.  unfortunately that logic doesn't always translate easily to weight loss. human emotion and error tend to get in the way.  my mind is weighed down by the guilt of 100 mistakes today.  have you ever tried to lift something that weighs 100 pounds? it is usually too heavy for one person. if you take it apart pound by pound it will be easier to shift. why am i willing to carry the extra 100 around day by day by day by day? instead of taking it apart piece by piece and relieving myself of the physical burden? i have to be honest with myself. sometimes it is easier not to try at all, rather than risk failure. admitting we need to change, means admitting we are doing something wrong.100 negative thoughts stand in the way of progress. if my negative thoughts had weight i would never be able to get out of bed in the morning. wait a minute. they do have weight. for every donut, french fry, and milkshake binge is fueled by negative thoughts. and given physical evidence in the climbing numbers on my digital scale and waistband.  100 guilty pleasures. 100 foot steps. 100 pieces of flesh.  i need to find a way to lose 100 pieces of me.
 
master cleanse 01/28/2011
 
 i recently learned that there are three main times a woman creates new fat cells: infancy, teenhood, pregnancy.  this knowledge sent me into a fad diet frenzy. it's been three days and visions of donuts are dancing through my head. no really. i wake up at 4 am and imagine i can see donuts. what is the point of a cleanse. to make your insides clean to put more garbage in? if we ate properly we wouldn't need a cleanse.  this is one diet, that i would NOT recommend.  drinking lemon water mixed with maple syryp is a crazy idea, but the so called success stories dazzled me into believing this is this kick in the ass i need to get this "baby" weight off. the terrible reality of it is, i actually gained more weight in the year home with sweet baby girl, than I did in 9 months of pregnancy. sad, i know. that year was spent indulging in a different type of hoarding. FOOD, TV, SELF IMPOSED ISOLATION.  i am not the only one who has to live with what i've done to myself. the debilitating shame, depression, and anger i feel at letting myself go. the people that have to share my space are subject to all sorts of mood swings and general lack of motivation for any sort of joy filled activity. i guess it's time to make a phone call to my dietitian and admit i can't go this road alone.
 
 
we all say it at one time or another, time flies.  another two months have flown since i have updated this blog.  a testimony to my inability to follow through with periphery goals.  if it isn't imperitive to my daily function and family responsibility, it doesn't always get done. mind you i don't want to end up like the souls featured in hoarders or hoarding: buried alive. the recurring theme? producers ask the hoarder how things got so bad. the hoarder says that something bad happened to them in the past, so they resigned from reality and chose to smother themselves in stuff.  time flies, but it can't heal all wounds. one bag of garbage, or one bag of un needed clothing at a time, builds a mountain to cover the issues you want to escape from. after watching these shows i go on cleaning sprees.  it could drive me mad if I looked at the pile of mail on the table. impulsive shopping has become a thing of the past.  the criteria by which i have to weigh most shopping choices. can i eat it or wear it? do i need it? i now walk away from many items, left to be purchased and clutter up someone elses life and closet. but that's fine. impulsive shopping won't ruin my credit score, or ability to walk comfortably through my apartment.  anyone could look at my physical appearance now and ask; how did things get so bad? i would answer that something bad happened to me in the past, but i am working through it.
 
 
I’ve been making this same pilgrimage annually for nearly twenty years and had it down to a fine art…until it was time to bring my ten month old daughter along for the ride.  Yes, I know I’m not the first person to travel alone with a baby. And I certainly am not the first mom who wanted to pull their hair out while their child screams during most of a three hour flight.  It is bad enough to sit in a cramped seat, with two strangers squeezed into the seats on either side of you.  Now these strangers are peeved at the ear blasting screams from an over-tired, teething, baby that wants to be anywhere else but in this tin can with wings and wheels.  As I met the stares of some of my fellow passengers, I felt guilty and a little embarrassed…until I remembered that I used to be the stranger squeezed into the tight space next to a mom traveling alone with a squalling infant. How life turns full-circle.  I have visions of all the patience and empathy I will have for my fellow traveling parents.  And finally my tired baby closes her eyes and drifts toward sleep.  Her cries are silenced by drowsiness.  Then my reverie is jolted into reality as a faint aroma of #2 fills the air. 
 
official entry for CNE Blog for the EX Contest 2010  
 
 
i had a chance to chat with an old friend, S*****  from junior high.  how have 22 years flown by in a blink?  * i could close my eyes and see us sitting in an alcove at our our school. it was a rarely used stairway that connected the basement, main flour, and second floor levels. it was smelly.  a mingling of scents from all three levels.  whafts of teenage hormones and sweat from the gymnasium, musty air from the basement, mixed with the fresh pine shavings in the woodworking shop. * as i chatted with this long ago friend, we recalled the nicknames we had given teachers and laughed for a moment. then an air of sadness fell. we realize now how hard the teachers worked to instill some sort of classroom order, and wisdom onto the unlistening ears of us kids. i told S***** that i recently had a chance to make amends with one of these unthanked teachers.  i met up with him during a pilgrimage to our hometown, not sure that my words could wipe out the years of taunting he recieved from my classmates. i certainly don't think i was the worst mannered kid growing up.  but as an adult i know that being silent in a hostile situation can defer almost as much liability. it certainly has left me with guilt.  inspite of all this, the chat with S***** has left me feeling nostalgic for the past, but also warmed by encouragement.  there really is no replacement for old friends. if they knew us as children, they really do know the best and worst sides of our inner most thoughts.  face it, children can be cruel, and childhood itself is a battle to find your place in the world. very few of us escape childhood unscarred in some fashion. we may make new friends as our lives carry us in different directions.  but our heart is always imprinted with the interactions of friends gone by.
 
 
i have been away from the blog a long time. i hardly realized it was 4 months.  the weight of my thoughts have become too heavy once again, and i am back to unload a bit.
 
here we go again 04/22/2010
 
i really thought that i was on a roll this time.  seems as though my nemesis was merely laying in wait.  all i want to do is crawl back into bed and lay there until my back aches from laziness and immobility. for the record, i'm an old pro. it would take many days for that to happen. it started with a dull headache and the persistant thoughts, then moved on to panic attacks.  all mild symptoms, but enough to ground me from my latest flights of fancy.  over the last few weeks I had been day dreaming of ways to live without having to be a slave to debt anymore.  i even signed on to be an AVON lady. i knew this would require work, but it is also costing me money that i don't have.  i fantasize about winning the lottery and living free of all financial responsibilities. i have never in my life wished for luxury homes and cars. and don't wish for it now.  just some peace for goodness sake.  it's beautiful that i have lots of time with sweet baby girl before i go back to work. ironic that i'm too flat out, stinking broke to go anywhere with her. i know that money doesn't buy true happiness. it can help give peace of mind.  the skeptic is winning today.  hope is buried in the shadows.
 
gas pains 04/19/2010
 
sometimes the only way out a painful situation is to go straight through it.  gas pains.  there is no ignoring them. what do you do with a baby that is doubled over with gas pains?  flip them on their belly, pat their backs, and listen to the cries.  when is the last time i was on my belly before GOD? i would sooner crawl on my belly to get the remote thats been kicked under the couch.  shameful i know.  but its the truth.  truth can hurt as much as gas pains. for every morning that begins with joy, there have been a dozen more that have left me breathless and in the dark.  those are my gas pains.